D.B.Tarpley's Amazing Ass Blog-4/10/18

Greetings and salutations people and peoplettes,

As you probably know by now you are reading D.B.Tarpley’s Amazing Ass Blog. And first let me just say that you are welcome. Not everyone is as lucky as you are. Blogs can do anything from entertain to inform to incite debate to simply exist as word art. But my favorite blogs are those which delve into controversial subject matter… you know, those which make people go, “Oh no he di’in’t!”

Trust me… I di’id.

I would like to talk to you all right now about perhaps one of the most controversial subjects of all time… relationships. That’s right the gloves are off and we are about to journey through the land of the nitty and the realm of the gritty. Of course this is only a controversial subject if you are in a relationship as I am now. It you are single, then feel free to agree or disagree on anything I say with a cavalier sense of reckless abandon. But if you, as I, are in a long term relationship – you may wish to choose your endorsements carefully. Especially if your girlfriend may one day read this.

Luckily for me this story is not my own. It is about my good friend Karl. I’d tell you his last name but you don’t know him. He’s from Canada. Oddly enough his girlfriend was from Norway, a lovely girl obviously of Scandinavian descent who enjoyed watching Tru Crime stories on TV and gargling warm milk before going to bed at night. The Tru Crime thing must be some international, or even universal trait carried in a female- specific gene. Every female I have ever known enjoys these shows, perhaps as some fantastical mental delight which allows the weak and trod upon of the species to imagine some come uppance… maybe in their head they get away with it. I don’t know. As far as the milk goes I have no theory. That’s just ‘bat-shit’.

I feel I need to do a little back story on Karl, lest he be judged too harshly. He is what is known as a White Ninja. That title is not as mysterious or magical as it may sound, we are not conjuring Storm Shadow from the animated GI Joe series of the eighties. Nor are we digging into the mid-eighties cinematic ninja fad where films like Ninja III: The Domination helped boost movie martial artist Sho Kesugi to suburban fame. Don’t be silly. It literally means that Karl is a Caucasian who has been trained in the fine art of Ninjitsu. His parent’s plane crashed just shy of the north side of Okinawa, Japan when he was but a babe and little baby Karl is the only one who survived. The local Goju Ninja clan from the nearest caves adopted him and raised him as one of their own. As such, Karl was not properly acclimated to social situations due to his isolated upbringing. He could hit a bulls eye with a shrunken from 50 yards away coming out of a summersault but don’t ask him about women because he just didn’t know… unless you asked him how to hit one with a shrunken from fifty yards away coming out of a summersault.

So when Karl finally entered a relationship later in life, he wasn’t as prepared as he should have been. Karl almost immediately found himself in another relationship, and then another, and then another… until he eventually had 4 baby mammas scattered across town, each blissfully unaware of the other. There was Inga – the Black one, LaShawndra – the Latin one, Maria – the Asian one, and Li Wu – his Scandinavian cutie. Karl spent all his time flitting back and forth between his women. He was able to do this because he was a ninja. While he was successful in keeping all four honeys satisfied, Karl himself was miserable.

As if this weren’t enough Karl ran afoul of the East European Robitussin Cartel.

Why do you suddenly have a blank stare on your face?

The Robitussin Cartel is not something you want to mess with. They are a fierce bunch made up primarily of dark rejects who were kicked out of places like the Serbian mob…. The Russian mob… and Euro Disney. These were the worst of the worst. The Cartel sprung up in the mid-nineties. In the late Eighties/ early Nineties, America’s youth discovered that if you drank an entire bottle of a specific kind of Robitussin you would experience a hallucinogenic high which rivaled that of LSD and Peyote combined. It was not smooth, never mellow… just a balls to the wall journey into a world where Heaven and Hell collided into one big smooshy ball of OH HECK!

The company immediately discontinued the formula once this was discovered and the Cartel sprung into existence, scouring the globe for any existing bottles – one of which now holds a street value of 1500 Euros, or 1845 US dollars. Karl accidently discovered an entire warehouse of this stuff while on vacation with Li Wu in Bensonhurst, New York. There was an establishment there whose bagels were supposedly to die for and Karl and Li Wu got lost looking for it.

They stumbled into the warehouse and, long story short, accidentally burnt it to the ground. I won’t go into the details but to say that Ninjas are people too and everyone has a clumsy day from time to time. As it turned out, the warehouse held a full third of the Cartel’s existing supply so it was decided that Karl must die. At this point no one in the Cartel was aware that Karl was a Ninja.

They sent out their best assassin, a guy named Ludo Rabinowitz.

Oh, did I mention that Karl and Li Wu had a dog? It was a Weiner Dog given to them by Li Wu’s father, a Norwegian fisherman who had taken quite a fancy to Karl once over a game of checkers. The dog’s name was Dirk Diggler for obvious reasons and despite its penchant for humping sleeping faces Karl and Li Wu loved the animal to no end. Anyway, I had to mention the dog because he was just so darn cute.

Karl and his girlfriend finally found the bakery they were looking for and sampled the bagels therein. By Canadian standards they were excellent, but by New York standards they were just Meh. Karl made a mental note to tell the guy who had recommended this place that he didn’t know shit about bagels.

Anyway, the pair decided to go see a movie after that. Karl wanted to see ‘Touch of Evil’ and Li Wu wanted to see ‘Twilight’…

So they watched ‘Twilight’.

And so...

As you can clearly see...

Relationships suck.

Until next time have an amazing ass day.

And stay single.