D.B.Tarpley's Amazing Ass Blog-7/6/18

Greetings and salutations people and peoplettes,

What follows are two articles i wrote for various zines in the past. One telling you which horror movies not to watch, and one telling you which ones you simply must watch. It is of course all opinion but then again what piece of journalism these days isn't. I sincerely hope you enjoy:

DON’T LOOK ETHEL:

10 VASTLY OVERRATED HORROR FILMS YOU SHOULD SERIOUSLY AVOID FOR REALZ

Greetings and salutations people and peoplettes,

Who is this guy making the archaic Ray Stevens reference and why? Why it is I, D.B.Tarpley – writer and film snob extraordinaire. I am a huge cinephile with over 7000 movies in my personal stash and every Halloween I am inclined to go diving through this collection in search of interesting and unique party movies… movies suitable for this season of gnarled witches and bastard sons of a thousand maniacs. I always try to find something new or uniquely hidden to the general public which will astound and amaze in an effort to counteract the fact that every year at this time television channels everywhere trounce out the same tired old chestnuts. It makes me want to scream “ENOUGH ALREADY!”

“Don’t look Ethel”

That is what I would say if I were sitting in my Lazyboy next to a woman named Ethel and one of these over-rated shit-fests flashed on the screen. (And now my girlfriend will be like, ‘Who is this Ethel? Is she pretty? Why are you on a first name basis with her? Where was I during all this? How big are her boobs?’)

Sheesh.

Anyway, here are ten examples of the kind of film I am talking about. As we embark on this journey it is important to note that this is nothing more than my opinion. I am just a dude, not an authority on what you should or should not be watching in your free time. I don’t even know who Ethel is or why she is sitting next to me.

Along the way I may piss on a couple of sacred cows but hey, that’ll just make the meat all the more tender.

Before we start I will automatically disqualify several things. The Twilight films of course because while it is very tempting to mistake horrible with horror it is also of course a huge mistake; a huge romantically sweet sparkling mistake. Likewise I will have to disqualify all remakes as they almost universally miss the mark by a million miles. General rule of thumb: unless you’re watching John Carpenter’s ‘The Thing’, stick with the original. And finally I will disqualify anything which has the word Exorcism/ or Haunting in it and deals with possession. If it’s not ‘The Exorcist’ but desperately wants to be… pass!

All right. I believe we are ready.

Warning: spoilers ensue.

10.) IT – Released in 1990, this clunker is often fondly remembered for Tim Curry’s earth-shattering turn as Pennywise the demonic child-murdering clown. And indeed his performance is incredible. But that is only a small part of this film. Most people forget this was a television miniseries with all the restraints and filters attributed to such a project. It is cut in two halves with one half dealing with the group as children and the other with the group as adults trying to deal with the fact that the horror they experienced as children is in fact very real. Adapted from Stephen King’s excellent novel this movie falls flat in every network sense of every network produced network fingering minute. The acting is sub-par, as is the editing and the direction. It stars the leads from ‘Night Court’, ‘The Waltons’, and ‘Three’s Company’ for crying out loud. It might as well be Battle of the Network Stars. And the monster at the end is ridiculous, a horribly rendered ant/ spider thing which is more likely to inspire gut-wrenching belly laughs than fear. Do yourself a favor, watch the first ten minutes of this turd-munch then turn it off.

9.) SAW – This whole series feels like an excuse to watch scene after scene of elaborate torture devices/ games which in theory should be a real hoot. The problem stems from the fact that the plot to these films from front to back becomes increasingly convoluted as the series progresses. The kind of thing where if you repeat it out loud you are like, ‘Wait a minute… who did what… with a candlestick… in the where?’ Just in referencing the first one you find yourself stuck in a room with a plump Cary Elwes flatly portraying a character no one in their right mind can sympathize with. There is a decent surprise at the end but in spite of this, or perhaps because of this, the film does not hold up on repeated viewings. If you want to see cool traps and diabolical murders stick with The Abominable Dr. Phibes and call it a day.

8.) JAWS – I know, I know… Gasp! How dare I? Oh I dare. I realize this might not even be classified as a horror movie but it is borderline enough to qualify I think, although typically not Halloween fare. It just doesn’t jibe with me. While the acting is top notch all the way and the direction is… decent… the story just doesn’t inspire. Killer shark? Stay out of the water. End of the story. The Candy gram shark on SNL was scarier. The drama is built on water vapor, sometimes literally. It all seems contrived to me with the scene where the drunk captain relates his experience in the pacific during the war being the only real highlight of the entire piece; all in all though this is just another limp floater swirling its way down the tube.

7.) PARANORMAL ACTIVITY – What can I say about this one? It is a ride in the theater, you know with the Dolby surround sound kicked up so you hear every bump and creak in the house. But like a ride at the amusement park, once it is over you forget about it. It lasts so briefly and endures so shortly because this film and its sequels are the equivalent of cinematic Chinese food. There is no story, just an excuse for the bumps in the night. And occasionally… occasionally… you get some CGI fire on an Ouija board which takes you out of the ride altogether. Don’t believe the hype; this activity is all too normal.

6.) THE RING – This film does in fact have a creepy moment where a girl with long messy hair crawls out of a television set and into your living room. What was that? I just ruined the film for you? You’re welcome, now you don’t have to sit through the rest of this horrid affair which resembles a drab, blue and grey student art film about drowning horses. This falls under that whole remake thing I mentioned earlier as it is a part of Hollywood’s big ‘Let’s remake everything remotely Japanese’ party of the early 2000’s. (RING! RING! RING!) Don’t pick up the phone, it’s not for you.

5.) THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE – I hate, hate, hate this film! It is the most inane piece of garbage this side of ‘Leonard Part 6’. There is absolutely no motivation for the central set-piece of the film other than the fact that the writer/ director, Tom Six (Oh to be a fly on the wall in the Six household when he was a kid), thought it would be coo to see a person with their mouth attached to another human’s asshole. If you didn’t know, that’s pretty much it. And it is a supposed scientist who thinks this will be a sustainable condition. It boggles the mind to the extent that my sphincter clinches at the thought… not the thought of the mad scientist’s creation but the thought of anyone writing this down on a piece of paper and thinking it is an acceptable excuse for spent celluloid.

4.) THE OMEN – Sandwiched squarely between Rosemary’s Baby and The Exorcist this film gets way more credit than it’s worth. Essentially a vehicle for Gregory Peck, arguably the most wooden actor Hollywood has ever produced, the movie feels very old school Hollywood without any B movie charm. The child with the titular sign on his wee little head looks like an extra from Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’, pale and pasty in a proper English boy’s school uniform. He basically just mugs his way through the film almost without uttering a word, methinks Satan would be a bit more verbose. The film’s one and only truly wicked moment involves the child’s nanny hanging herself from a staircase as a necessary sacrifice. You see she is a part of a cult who have assigned themselves the task of protecting the antichrist so it is only natural that she… wait… I’m confused. And so were the writers because the simple acceptance of this child’s evil nature seems to be the end game for the movie, a movie which amazingly spawned three unnecessary sequels. Nothing in this film stands the test of time. It is awkward and boring and trust me, watching this pile of constipated crap is pure and utter Hell.

3.) SCREAM – There was much buzz in 1996 when Wes Craven directed Kevin Williamson’s ‘clever’ script. The film tried to reimagine the slasher flick with all kinds of inside jokes but for my money the inside jokes turned the film inside out and created a nice slick mess of a movie where the actors all seemed to be in on the joke and thus left any believability on the cutting room floor. And for a supposed satire, or send up, or homage to slasher flicks or whatever they completely miss the mark in one crucial way. The original films all had something this one so desperately needs… danger. They were full of teenage debauchery. The Scream films all seem so homogenous and sanitized. The kids are so clean cut… the lighting so pleasant. Mark definitely missed. The film works better as a running meme than a stand-alone slasher flick; so close and hence so frustrating. It’s enough to make you… something.

2.) THE AMITYVILLE HORROR – Two words – (Get Out!) Nuff said.

1.) THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN – I remember spending the night at my good friend Charlie’s house back in 1985. His family had cable, my family did not. We stayed up well past any reasonable bed time so he could show me this really cool R-rated horror flick which was all the rage. And I have to admit I was blown away. Because I was a child, and I wasn’t allowed to watch R-rated horror movies, and I didn’t have cable. And I think that is how most fans of this film remember it, with a sense of nostalgia, and a sense of getting away with it behind our parent’s backs. But honestly, this film is BULLSHIT. If you ever find yourself in a town overrun by hyper-religious children try these three steps – A – Extend palm at an outward, downward angle. This will stop the little person’s forward momentum. B – Cock your leg back as far as it will go. C – Punt that bastard into the next county. There you have it. And if by chance you happen to get caught and find yourself staring down a giant irradiated gopher in a cornfield of blood… laugh your fucking ass off.

Well, my time here seems to have come to an end. I trust that both you and Ethel are now adequately prepared to make it through this holiday season relatively unscathed.

‘If you’re so worried about Ethel why don’t you marry her!’

Sigh.

Until next time, keep the popcorn hot, the soda cold, and leave the pages bloody.

KILLER PARTY

Greetings and salutations people and peoplettes,

D.B.Tarpley here, movie party maestro extraordinaire. Tis the month, tis the season, tis the perfect everything for a movie party. As brilliant golden flaming leaves hurl themselves to the ground in blind desperation and the cool dark impasse of night creeps further and further into an unsuspecting day a perfect moment presents itself for one and all to gather together in the comfort of some cozy hole and scare the living shit out of one another.

Being the veteran host of untold movie parties I have a few simple pointers to make yours a smashing success. I am sure everyone does it differently and please feel free to run your event as your natural tendencies dictate. But here is my modus operandi if anyone is interested. You need food and beverages. But not a formal meal. I find a huge crock-pot of soup works wonders. I have a potato soup recipe which always pleases and my chili is to die for, (Cartman’s surprise.) You can set out chips and dips, etc. and sodas and water for beverages… fun but light. I find it is always best to hold my events BYOB. Just common sense really, you never know who is going to show up.

I like to create a whole experience for my guests when I throw a party so I always make a gift bag, full of simple things like toy soldiers, colorful pencils, and various other assorted party favors. And always a party mix CD. That is a must. No D.B.Tarpley party is complete without a dope ass polka/J-pop mix.

O.K., now to the meat of the party, the movies. I must confess, I usually agonize over which movie to play. The perfect movie is of course contingent on the crowd. I find you don’t want anything too heavy… the larger the crowd the more middle of the road your fare has to gravitate towards. I also like to show a movie which the fewest people at the party have seen. So therein lies the problem. Finding something which appeals to even the most pedestrian horror fan but which might also be considered a hidden gem, or at least a hidden bag of recycled aluminum cans.

A couple of quick guidelines when picking films: Of course, all crowds are different and only you know your crowd best so if everybody there is a hard-core horror beast then go for broke. But my experience is that is not usually the case. So nothing too heavy, nothing too graphic. Keep it light and fun. You can have gore just don’t pull out ‘Ichi the Killer’ when Margery the lunch lady drops by for some candy corn and a giggle. Which brings me to another point. Drop all foreign films. Most people find reading a drag while they are watching a flick. Also try to keep the films as recent as you can. While you may believe Psycho to be the penultimate horror film, most people get fidgety like two year old toddlers during older flicks. You have to remember that the party is ultimately about your guest’s enjoyment.

That being said, here is a list of ten films I believe to be guaranteed crowd pleasers. They are all light, funny, and scary. I realize there are thousands of films to choose from and you may have seen each and every one of these. But I have found most common movie goers have not.

1 – Housebound: (2014) After a bungled robbery attempt a young woman is forced into house arrest at her childhood home with her mother. Creepy and surreal events ensue in this darkly comedic gem from New Zealand. Plenty of gore and laughs all around.

2 – Grave Encounters: (2011) A reality ghost hunting crew encounters real haunts in a supremely scary mental hospital. As funny and inventive as ‘Session 9’ is scary. The debut feature from writer director duo The Vicious Brothers, (Colin Minihan and Stuart Ortiz), this film successfully satires the genre while at the same time effectively delivering genuine frights.

3 – Satan’s Little Helper: (2004) A little boy who feels ostracized by his family during Halloween befriends another costumed individual who is in fact a demented serial killer. This horror comedy keeps you on the edge of uneasy laughs as the line between make believe and pure evil gets blurrier and blurrier.

4 – Severance: (2006) A group of office workers get lost heading to a work retreat and end up in a former holding camp for insane ex- Serbian soldiers. This witty British comedy perfectly balances laughs with an excellent ensemble and a growing sense of dread as the workers predicament gets all too real.

5 – The Signal: (2007) It is important to note that this is not the 2014 film of the same name. This film tells 3 interconnected stories by 3 different directors to relate what happens when a mysterious murderous signal emanates over the airwaves which turns almost everyone who hears it into homicidal maniacs. At times alternately vicious and hysterical this film delivers the goods with emotional impact to spare.

6 – VHS2: (2013) The notorious VHS series is well known within the horror community but few people in the casual movie going audience have seen them. As a rule anthology films are hit and miss and this is certainly no exception but I feel this is the best overall in the series, if not for the ‘Safe Haven’ segment alone. This is one of the harder ones boys and girls. It has its lighter moments but when it hits it packs a punch.

7 – The Cottage: (2008) This is a real surprise if you haven’t seen it. The first half is a comedic British crime caper film and the second half is pure slasher mayhem. The left turn in this one is truly incredible and the chemistry between Andy Serkis and Reece Shearsmith who play bickering brothers is excellent. Both truly funny and terrifying this one also has a few nice moments for the gore-hound in us all.

8 – A Horrible Way to Die: (2010) An escaped serial killer hunts down his ex-girlfriend who has moved to a new town in pursuit of a new life. Though laced with plenty of dark humor, largely due to A.J.Bowen’s excellent performance as the killer, this one is definitely the heaviest of the lot. That being said, the tension and the build up to the end is awesome. This one deserves to be seen by those who haven’t.

9 – The Catechism Cataclysm: (2011) Where do I begin with this one? It is one of my favorite films and perhaps hardest to describe. Not quite horror but more unsettling than any of the other films I have mentioned thus far. This is one of those films that takes you on a crazy, hysterical journey – the destination of which you could never predict in a million years. Its tonal ambiguity is one of the things which makes it so special. To call it fucking crazy is perfectly adequate. I think the less you know about this one going into it the better so I’ll just leave it at that.

10 – Murder Party: (2007) Written and directed by Jeremy Saulnier ‘Blue Ruin’ this horror comedy tells the tale of a hapless loser who, after picking up a random piece of paper on the street finds himself the guest of honor at a party where a group of people intend his murder. This movie was made for little to no money by the director and his friends. He had been making movies like this for years when this one hit and made a splash on the festival circuit. The film is written, directed, shot, edited, and lit as if its budget were in the millions. It is a really incredible watch, both as a comedy and a thriller.

Again, these are just suggestions and you will always know your crowd best. Here are some near misses which didn’t quite make the list due to popularity, tone, etc.: Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, Let the Right One in, Cabin in the Woods, Trick R Treat, Kill List, The Abominable Dr. Phibes, You’re Next, Shallow Grave, Innocent Blood.

You are now free to party at will.

Until next time, this is D.B.Tarpley saying keep the popcorn hot, the sodas cold, and the pages bloody.

And as always... Have an amazing ass day!