D.B.Tarpley's Amazing Ass Blog-7-14-18

Greetings and salutations people and peoplettes,

On a lark, on a whim, on the flimsiest of passing notions I recently stumbled across the idea of handing something passing as knowledge down to the next generation. Sometimes life can get away from you like Charo on crack and it's nice to have some words there which might help reign all that chaos in. I have plans in the future for a humorous collection of life anecdotes and sayings – a sort of coffee table book, if you will, of my more insane ideas. But that is not what I am talking about here.

What I am talking about here is something in the vein of ‘Wear Sunscreen.’ – The spoken word record Baz Luhrmann released in 1998. The track reads like a commencement speech and in fact started out as such. Some mistakenly attribute the text to a speech given by Kurt Vonnegut to MIT, but this was in fact originally an essay intended as a commencement speech by Mary Schmich. This essay was turned into an article in the Chicago Tribune in 1997 and subsequently the song many of us are familiar with.

The text reads as an address from an established individual to the youth of a graduating class. The title comes from the assumption that the only sound advice the orator can give is for them to wear sunscreen as everything else presented is merely their own conjecture. That being said, anyone who has heard the song would most likely agree that there is some of the best advice available from old to young within.

I want to present something like that here and while some of my ideas may intersect the song, I would like to think that the majority of it will be from my heart. To add focus I am directing this towards my 14 year old stepdaughter, Grace. But this is most definitely advice for the 14 year old girl in us all.

The first idea is lifted directly from the song and is the soundest piece of advice I think I have ever heard. Don’t worry: don’t give yourself too much of a hard time over mistakes you make/ nor pat yourself on the back too hard for accomplishments you achieve because ¾ of all decisions we make are chance. Worrying about things which haven’t happened yet is a waste of time because it’s likely to be the things you don’t think of, that 4 AM trip to the emergency room, that pothole on I65, etc.… which trip you up in life. Just live the best you can and handle things as they come.

Sometimes GPS makes mistakes.

Do not try to follow the playbook presented by society as the only way to go. There will be many moments in life when you will have to step back and ask yourself ‘Is this working for me?’ If the answer is no then there is always another, probably better, route you can take… even if that route doesn’t jibe with the way everyone else is living their life.

There is no such thing as a ‘soul-mate’ – that one person who was meant to be with you forever and ever. There are, at any given time in your immediate populated area, literally hundreds of people you could be equally as happy with. This is because the only real secret to being happy in a relationship is to be happy with you. If you can find a way to do this then you will never have to rely on anyone else for happiness and you will be ahead of at least 90 percent of the world’s population.

Eggs are a delicious, diverse, and economical source of nutrition.

Strive at all times to live healthy, but remember that healthy for you and healthy for someone else might be two completely different things. The key thing, in fact the only thing, is to feel good. Never let magazines, television, or the internet tell you just how skinny you need to be to become a desirable person. If you feel good, then you will be confident. And there is nothing sexier than confidence, period… end of statement.

Never date someone you work with.

There is no such thing as perfect, but that being said you will always have weaknesses. It is important to be very self-aware of what your weaknesses are and to try to do something on a daily basis to confront at least one of these weaknesses. You will never be perfect but we can all be better. And the pursuit of ‘better’ in and of itself makes you a better person.

Oranges aren't worth the effort.

People are different and you should take each person on an individual basis. The second you start making assumptions about someone based on their skin color, or sex, or sexual orientation, or size, or anything which might be different than you and therefore likely to catch your attention, then you are being lazy and in fact lying to yourself. You are cheating yourself of the chance to get to know the truth because overcoming a preconception is way harder than taking in fresh information. This doesn’t mean you have to like everyone; that is impossible. Overcompensating for fear of prejudice is just as bad as prejudice itself. If someone gives you a reason to not like them then feel free to not like them. Just know what that reason is and know that it is a just reason by whatever code of ethics you chose to adopt.

If you watch a film directed by Michael Bay you get what you deserve.

There is no one true belief. Anything can be up for debate and everything at some point should be questioned. The important thing to remember when you are trying to get your point across to someone is to listen to what they are saying. If you don’t listen to them then you should never expect them to listen to you.

Algebra has no purpose in the real world, neither does Ryan Seacrest.

As you live your life you will discover that much of what we do, much of what we say, and much of how we live is all designed to prepare for the next moment… the next thing. But it is very important every once in a while to stop looking ahead and to simply live in this moment… the moment right here in front of you. Sitting on the porch with your loved one in the spring and listening to early morning birds flit from tree to ground as you both hold hands and sip coffee is a win. That is how you win life by finding and enjoying as many of these moments as you can. In the end, nothing else matters.

No one ever truly finds lasting happiness. You have to learn to take it when you can get it.

The absolute worst advice I have ever heard is ‘You can do anything if you put your mind to it.’ Um, no…. no you cannot. If I want to become an American Idol, no matter how hard I try I would not be able to do that. Not only am I over the age limit, and lacking the most basic vocal skills necessary to even consider competing; If neither of these were factors I would have to contend with hundreds of thousands of American teens with decent vocal chops all competing for the 12 spots on the show. The amount of chance and luck necessary on top of the required basics negates any amount of wanting or desire in the world. This is not to say that you shouldn’t desire things… that you shouldn’t try. But there will be many things in life you may want, or that you may desire which you will not get. The secret is to understand this is the way things are for everyone. Not one single person gets everything they want in life… ever. You have to learn to live with disappointment and find ways to be happy without having some has-been celebrity say your name while raising your arm. This is called growing up.

Never get a poodle as a pet.

This advice is not as polished as the advice in the song, nor is it perhaps as readily applicable. But it is all I have for now. That and this… If someone is willing to give you free advice, do not perceive it as them trying to tell you what to do. Listen to it, but more than that consider it. If you don’t give free advice a chance then you might as well be paying for a pack of lies. That is all I have. Live your life and love yourself. Peace be unto thee and have an amazing ass day.