ABOUT ME

D.B. Tarpley was born Byzantium Skynklebork to a simple peasant family in the Eastern European country of Tarplevania in nineteen hundred and seventy two. No other writer throughout the entire breath of time has exhibited the sheer unadulterated mediocrity which he has so effortlessly produced, seemingly without effort… none at all… it would so seem.

D.B. Tarpley has been writing since the age of 5. His upper-case cursive letters are particularly impressive. The son of a poor immigrant philanthropist. D.B. Tarpley got his start writing dialogue for the imaginary friends of imagination deficient kids on the Lower East Side. He soon graduated to soap operas and quickly became the head writer on such daytime hits as 'Old Rich White Balls', 'The Bold and the Moderately Attractive', and the Hindu marketed 'One Life to Live? You Must Be Joking!' for which he was awarded a Daytime Stanley Cup by a dazed and confused NHL.

In 1991 D.B. Tarpley invented the word Phoenixidelicaliaphestosterone. It has not caught on.

D.B. Tarpley has often been called a writer’s writer. He has also been called ‘No Good Son of a Bitch’, ‘Goddamn Motherfucker’, and ‘Snookie Wookums.’ He enjoys a good laugh. He even occasionally relishes a mediocre chuckle. And on the rarest of occasions he will engage in a lukewarm guffaw.

D.B. Tarpley has a Masters Degree in Baiting from Pullman University; in addition to this, D.B. was recently tossed the Paul Reubens Fellowship for excellence in self awareness.

Mr. Tarpley currently Summers in Manitowoc, Wisconsin; and Winters in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin. In addition to writing, D.B. is an internationally acclaimed adult diaper model/ pastry chef. His work has been featured in 'Pee-n-Poop Wear Quarterly' as well as 'Dem Some Damn Fine Muffins Magazine.'

His advice to readers everywhere is "Leave the pages bloody."

D.B.Tarpley has yet to be convicted of Koala Bear rape.

ACCLAIM

"For mine, the writer D.B. Tarpley most resembles is Thomas Ligotti, author of contemporary cosmic horror masterpieces such as Teatro Grottesco or gripping non-fiction works like The Conspiracy Against the Human Race. The latter provided source material for Nic Pizzolatto, the writer of the TV series True Detective.

Both are fascinated by the existential horror of life. Both write stories filled with grotesqueries and ghastly nobodies, leavened only by rills of taut, mordant humour.

D.B. Tarpley’s Lick the Razor is the stuff of nightmares, like going to an abattoir tripping on mushrooms.

It’s a classic of its kind." - Steve Townshend

"As I was growing up, my mother was fond of the adage, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

My mother would have hated D.B. Tarpley.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that D.B. doesn’t have anything to say. On the contrary, he is a veritable well of perspective and insight. What Tarpley does not have is patience for fallacious standards and pretension, and there is no clearer example of this fact than his own words. There is indeed beauty in his work, yet it takes no precedence over the truth of his world: a truth that reflects the grim corners and oily underbellies of our own."

- J. Chris Lawrence

“I thought that the author was not stupid."

- some French chick