D.B.Tarpley's Amazing Ass Blog-7/15/18

Greetings and Salutations people and peoplettes,

What follows is the introduction to my first collection 'Lick the Razor.' It encapsulates much of my philosophy on writing. I sincerely hope you enjoy...

“I never want to see anyone, and I never want to go anywhere or do anything. I just want to write.”

-P.G.Wodehouse

INTRO

You know what I love? I love taking a nice long shit. I can’t help it. I enjoy the ritual, the pomp and circumstance. I get home after a long day’s work and my asshole knows it is time to spew forth that nasty sticky goo: the compiled remnants of several recent meals mashed together into a putrid pile of pure filth… and the occasional piece of corn, (the Native Americans called corn ‘Maize’)

I walk in the door and my butt starts salivating like Pavlov’s pooch. It knows it is time for release. It knows it is time to let go of all the poisonous things which have built up inside of me. It knows it is time to shit. And it feels like heaven when I finally sit down and let the shitichino coil out of the dispenser. It is release, catharsis incarnate.

‘I’M SHITTING GODDAMNNIT!!! I AM ON TOP OF THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD!!!’

…top of the world ma.

This is what writing is for me. Writing is taking a dump. The story builds inside of me until I can’t take the pressure anymore and I am forced to let it out in one fell swoop. Sometimes it comes like diarrhea, and sometime it comes out in abbreviated quick pinches. Sometimes it is like pulling teeth, which is an odd phrase to use in connection to the act of shitting. I am pretty sure if I was on the toilet and my teeth were being pulled I would have no problem releasing. Still, regardless of the context, the phrase relates that which I intend and that is sometimes writing is a lengthy process wrought with much blood and agony.

(We now return you to your regularly scheduled program brought to you this week by SNAPPY SOAP: the only soap that makes you want to snap as you walk down the street – SNAPPY SOAP, available for a limited time at Fred’s Soap Emporium on the corner of 43rd and Rosa Parks Blvd.)

Writing is release, pure and simple. This is what writing is for me. I cannot tell you what writing should be for you. I am not you. I can’t even fit into your pants.

“Writing is the best way to talk without being interrupted.”

-Jules Renard

You know, considering their mouths are always stuffed with croissants and cheese that Frenchman’s got a point. Writing is, for me, one long crazy monologue where I get to say whatever the quark I want.

But here is the problem, a tiny miniscule point which almost isn’t even worth mentioning; and yet I find myself compelled, as if by Wonder Woman’s lasso, to bring it up. (Great tits!)

Sometimes I do not know what I want to say.

I certainly hope this isn’t one of those times, for your sake I mean. That could be the all around kind of awkward.

Where do ideas come from?

That is the eternal question every writer has to ask himself. I would say him or her-self but we all know there aren’t any good female writers. That goes without saying.

So I ask you again, ‘Where do ideas come from?”

This shit ain’t easy.

“A blank piece of paper is God’s way of telling us how hard it is to be God.”

-Sidney Sheldon

I am pretty sure God wouldn’t have created ‘I Dream of Jeannie.’

“If you don’t know it, don’t write it.”

-Darrell Schweitzer

Apparently Darrell knows not knowing things.

Do writers have one interesting thing to say among the lot?

As writer you have complete and total control over what your reality can and will be. This is the one place in my life where I am in control. This is the place where I give in to my darkest desires, dreams, and secret hidden naughty places.

…all my shit.

It is not hard to be God. You make the rules. You control the questions. Every word which comes out of your characters’ mouth comes from your head.

Well, that’s not entirely true.

Then why did you say it.

Shut up and let me think!

Sometimes…

Sometimes when I write I use a form of free association where I let my characters speak for themselves. I figure it is only fair since I created them and as such feel a certain responsibility for their well being and ultimate happiness.

Wait.

That’s not right.

That is bullshit!

What I do is I give them hell and then leave them to rot.

“A writer doesn’t solve problems. He allows them to emerge.”

-Friedrich Durrenmatt

Being a writer requires a special kind of cruelty. No one ever wants to read a story where Molly meets Max who is a great man and they marry and have 2 wonderful children and own a heroic dog named Marty who retrieves kittens from trees when he’s not licking cream cheese off Molly’s meat curtains.

Well, actually I would quite like to read that. It sounds like it was just getting interesting. Right up my alley. Most people though need a problem, a crisis for their beloved characters to overcome. Some shit for them to get into.

That’s where I come in. It is my job to make their lives miserable; And not just some ordinary kind of miserable but a specially perverse and interesting kind of miserable heretofore unknown to man. That is what being a writer is. The best writers are the biggest bastards.

You can’t be God unless you are.

“They’re fancy talkers about themselves, writers. If I had to give young writers advice, I would say don’t listen to writers talk about writing or themselves.”

-Lillian Hellman

Fuck you Lillian. Why don’t you go make some more mayonnaise? I am the most interesting person on the planet… ME! ME! ME! ME! ME!

But I suppose she is right about one thing.

It’s all bullshit: everything within these pages you hold in your hand. What you have in your grasp is the biggest pile of shit you have ever seen.

But you are going to read it. You know how I know this to be true? Because you can’t make shit like this up on your own. Your soul is constipated. My soul is not. I will never have trouble shitting in that cavity you call a brain. It will always be my pleasure.

But enough rambling, no one gives a shit about my shit.

You all just want to jump straight to the good shit, straight to the make believe. Be my guest. But keep this one thought in the front of your head boys and girls:

Always remember, hygiene first.

-D.B.Tarpley 2/14/2012

“Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.”

-Robert A. Heinlein

Have an amazing ass day boys and girls.