D.B.Tarpley's Amazing Ass Blog-9/17/18

Greetings and salutations people and peoplettes,

As many of you know I am a writer and my main purpose for being on Twitter is to promote my work. In the course of doing so I correspond with many wonderful people, but occasionally I encounter a ‘robot’ or a foreign agent looking to scam money, usually through the enticement of presumed sex. (In other words they see I am a white male of a certain age so they use an avatar of a pretty young woman, looking to find her soul-mate. The English is usually broken and it is often apparent they are talking from a pre-written script.) I rather enjoy these interactions as it gives me a chance to have a little fun. Here is the transcript of one such encounter. I hope you enjoy.

(Where necessary I have corrected typos but have left the grammar as in tact as possible.)

Them: Hello... How are you doing over there? My name is Alicia Donald. Am 31 years old. I lived at Texas at Fort Worth City.

(Right away I could see I was dealing with a winner. A true Southern Bell. Obviously a sincere young lady just looking for true love - so hard to find in this day and age.)

Me: Hello Alicia. How are you doing today?

Them: Am really looking good.

(I do not recall asking how her eyesight was.)

Them: Where are you from?

(It is important to note that one of the primary objectives of these foreign agents is to Phish as much personal information as they can about you. So lie. Never give them anything personal they can use.)

Me: I am originally from Germany. Now I live in New Pootersville.

Me: Do you have any cats?

Them: That sounds good. How old are you? Am 31 years old and you?

Me: Hey wait, you never answered my cat question?

Me: I am 374 months old.

Them: I don't have cat.

Them: What do you mean by 374 month old?

Them: Tell me your real age okay?

Me: It means I am 31 years old as well.

Them: Yeah does my age bother you?

Them: What do you do for living?

Me: Your age does not bother me.

Me: It is just a number.

Me: Well 2.

Me: Or 1.

Me: Depending on your frame of mind at the time.

Me: I am a philanthropist.

Them: Okay am a student.

Them: What do you like to do for fun?

Me: What do you study?

Me: I like to rock climb in high heels.

Them: Medical nurse.

(As opposed to agricultural nurse.)

Them: Are you married with how kids?

Me: Am I married with how kids? What do you mean?

Them: How many kids do you have?

Me: 0.

Me: They are all adults now.

Them: Okay did they live with you?

Me: At one point... why?

Them: Am just asking

Me: Do you want to live with me?

Them: I wish to no more about you.

Them: Do you have your house or you rent an apartment?

Me: You wish to 'not’ know more about me?

Me: I own a mansion.

Me: Big house I mean.

Me: 6 bathrooms.

Me: 1 bedroom.

Them: Yes because some here are fake and they are not for real.

(NO!!!!)

Them: That sounds cool.

Me: True.

Me: Fake people suck.

Me: You're not fake are you?

Them: You got your own car?

Me: I would hate to think so.

Me: I think I love you.

Me: Yes, I own several cars.

Me: A yacht.

Me: A train

Me: A pair of really nice skis.

Them: Why do you say that am not fake?

Them: I guess you have been hurt before.

Me: Yes, sadly I have.

Them: Am for real and serious about this.

Me: I cry at night.

Me: Good, me too.

Me: I want to crawl inside your skin.

Them: Am real I believe myself that am real.

Me: Good for you.

Them: Send me your pictures.

Them: I wish to see how you are over there.

(She sends me her picture.)

Me: You look intelligent.

Them: Thanks.

Them: Send me your pictures okay?

Me: This is me.

Them: I could not see your face.

Me: Can I see your elbows? It's kinda my thing.

Me: My face is on my avatar.

Them: How could I believe that you are real?

Me: Wow, now you are calling me fake? That hurts my feelings.

Thezm: Let me see your real pic of you.

Them: If you don't mind.

Them: I wish I can see your face because have been hurt a lot I need to keep claim to look for the right man to spend the rest of my life with.

Me: I haven't worked out in a while.

Them: Are you kidding me?

Me: No.

Me: Do you have a different sense of humor than me?

Me: I am showing you all of me.

Them: I only see your toes and your leg I could not see your face.

Me: Don’t be such a facist.

Me: Do you think my knees are ugly?

Me: You do don't you?

Me: I have ugly knees.

Them: I want you to take a new pic of you right now.

Me: Grandma was right.

Me: She always hated my knees.

Me: Said they would be my downfall.

Me: Wow, that was bossy. Are you a dominatrix?

Me: Do you have a camera I can borrow?

Them: Let me see you okay?

Them: I want your pics of you in real right here.

Them: Do you don't want to talk because I ask your pics if I can believe you are real?

Me: Sorry I was driving home and I saw a baby burning in a building. So I obviously had to save it. Me: I didn't even get a blowjob.

Them: Okay.

Them: That sounds cool.

Them: Have you risks the baby now?

Me: I have the baby.

Me: Do you have a baby?

Them: No.

Them: Please I may ask something from you are you gonna do it for me right here?

Me: What is it?

Them: My phone bill is due I need to upgrade it and I don't have enough money to upgrade it.

Them: I think if you can sort me out of this and gonna happy. I need just $50 to pay my phone bill please.

(Notice the use of the phrase ‘sort me out’… foreign agent has obviously learned English in a British environment.)

Them: And if you don't have am not forcing you to get me because you may get mad at me for seeking for money from you okay?

(Sort of learned English in a British environment.)

Them: I don't want you to feel sad for asking money from you and am not forcing you to get me the money. I believe if you can help me with this am gonna happy because I don't wish to be lonely without not been on social media and without not downloading application or new music.

(O.K., horribly failed at learning English in a British environment.)

Them: You there with me?

Them: Or you are busy with someone else there?

Me: No I am quite alone. And I have to admit I am quite embarrassed. I was going to ask you the same thing.

Me: Look I know we both love each other.

Me: As pretty as you are I am sure I can find someone to pay to have sex with you in no time. We can be a team, you can be my ho, and I can be your pimp.

Them: Hmm

Them: Are you gonna send me the card right now and I will be happy a lot?

Them: Just $50 iTunes gift card please to upgrade my phone bill right here.

Them: Please am really begging you for this opportunity please.

Me: I am trying to help you sell that ass.

Me: We can both be rich.

(I only offer this to people I really care about. I am a gentleman in that regard.)

Them: Please do this for me please.

Me: Say please again.

Them: Please are you going to send it or not please?

Me: There I just sent it.

Them: Because am broke I don't have enough money to pay for the bill.

Them: Are you going to send it please?

Them: If you can do this for me am ready to do anything you want because I need to upgrade it I love downloading new song and I will be happy a lot for this.

(Well I do want her to be happy a lot.)

Me: Ok where do I send it?

Them: I need just $50 iTunes gift card ok?

Them: Send it here as a picture.

Me: Ok how do I send it to you?

Them: You will take a picture of it and send it here.

Them: Please do that right now please.

Them: You will scratch the card and after then you will take a picture of it and send it to me here okay?

Me: I don't trust technology. Where do you live again?

Them: I live at Texas FW.

Them: Please do this for me please.

Them: Am gonna happy a lot more-better than this.

Me: I want to meet you at the airport.

Me: I am coming to you.

Them: Okay but do this for me and will gonna talk how I can fly to you there.

Me: No I will meet you and give you the money. Don't you want my help?

Them: Please have received an messages that my phone bill will soon finish and I will not have the chance to talk with you anymore because am broke that is why am begging you for the gift card.

Them: I want you to get me card please.

(I bet you do.)

Them: Are you gonna do that for me?

Me. I am trying to help but for some reason you won’t let me love you

Me: I am crying

Them: Please do that for me to continue our discussion because I have only 30 minutes up to finish please.

Them: Do this for me am really begging you seriously.

(Seriously?)

Me: Say please again.

Me: Hello?

Me: Hello?

Me: Oh my god, I've lost her!

Them: Am here.

Me: Thank you baby Jesus.

Them: Are you going to send it here?

Me: Send what?

Them: I need gift card to pay my phone bill right here just $50 Itunes cards please?

Me: Who are you again?

Them: Are you kidding me?

Them: So you asking that who am I right?

Me: Is This Kimberly?

Them: This is Alicia.

Me: Alicia… Alicia… Oh yeah.

Me: I love you.

Me: Right?

Them: So you don't want to talk with me anymore?

Them: You must be a scam.

Me: I must be.

(The next day)

Me: Good morning

Me: How are you?

Them: Hello.

Me: Yay, you fixed your phone. I was so worried.

Them: Are you going to get me the card to pay my bills?

Me: You said it was for your phone. But I see your phone is working.

Them: I went to borrow money from my friend.

Them: So if you send me the card I will return the money I lend from her.

Me: Fuck her.

Me: She sounds like a total bitch.

Them: Hmm.

Them: Please send me the gift card ok?

Me: Address?

Them: You are sending me the card or not.

Me: There. Just sent it.

Them: Sent what?

Them: You kidding me right?

Me: No I just sent it to you.

Me: Did you not get it?

Me: Hello, I'm worried about you.

Me: Have you been taking your vitamins?

Them: You have been kidding.

Me: Kimberly I would never kid you.

Them: This is Alicia.

Me: Gesundheit!

(Long pause)

Them: How am I gonna that you are real?

Them: I asked for your pics you refuse to send me that means you are fake you must be scam.

(Hello pot… kettle here.)

Me: Friend, you are not an American, certainly not the girl in the pic. And you are trying to steal money from me.

Me: I LOVE IT!

Me: Keep trying.

Them: lo se o kuro

(Last communication)

I ran that last part through google translate. It means ‘go fuck yourself’ in Yoruba – a language in Nigeria.

Awww.

She really did care.

Until next time, be careful who you talk to on the internet.

And have an amazing ass day.